And Yet I Yearn – A Psalm only Different – (Warning! Harsh Language)

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Note – Many times when I mention Soul or my Soul I am writing about a real internal dialogue.  This one is particularly harsh but sometimes being honest requires it.  This was written during a time when I felt particularly tired of me, tired of the search, tired of the same old same old.  Anger, even brutality spoken forcefully and truthfully is needed to cut through long held ties to falseness in oneself.  No offence is intended but on occasion offence is exactly what is needed.  The journey encompasses the full range of human emotion and experience.  None can be avoided.  And on that day this was my prayer.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious.” ~ Carl Jung

I am so fucking tired of this stupid shit!

I am tired of the ineffective words and ideas which have no power.

Creator change me, rearrange me.

I am broken and without merit.

Perhaps there may be something left if it could be put back together in a new way.

A new life is needed.

I am walking death, and weakness and chaos.

Yet I Yearn.

At times I demand.

At times I beg.

At times I despair all and wish for death.

Yet I Yearn.

Damn the wanting.

Damn the yearning.

Kill me quickly that I might rise again.

Fuck You my Soul, You cruel bitch.

You seduce,

You tempt, but You do not satisfy.

You tease and mock and are wanton in the public display or Your whore-like desire.

There is a cunt in You.

There is a virgin maiden there also.

I need redemption worse than any other.

And yet I Yearn.

22 thoughts on “And Yet I Yearn – A Psalm only Different – (Warning! Harsh Language)”

  2. I want to give you a hug and tell you that it is going to be okay. What the hell do I know really?

    Hugs are worth something. It means you are worth the struggle and the fact that you struggle makes you worth knowing. We all struggle with different things at different times, but the hug of an innocent around the neck of a fellow sufferer shines a light in the deep dark.

    I know my Girlie would give you a hug as I would. She as an all hug toddler, then she cheers afterwards. A group Girlie hug includes the pat on the back of the shoulder or neck, whichever she can reach, with her chubby fingers and a cheek press hard enough to turn her skin red. Fiercely hugging then she releases you and yells “Yeaaaaaaaaaa!” then runs away.

    As her brothers before her, she is joyful. I want to go back to the monastery where the priests and monks watched the glee of my boys sliding under the cafeteria tables on the marble floors. To give them another joyful visitor.

    Take care, Dear Plato:)

  3. Yup, you have summed up my thoughts and heart felt issues very nearly perfectly… I am tired, so very tired… and the yearning never stops… I know I need to be more in the now, I have felt that help, just can’t seem to stay there long enough… I will keep trying. Thank you for your posts and for reading mine, very much appreciated. Michelle

    • It is painful waking up. And it seems to be a longer journey than I hoped. I have not arrived but I am further along than I was. Be encouraged. The longing is helping you find that which is intended for you. It is a friend and is the very best kind of friend. It don’t mind leading one through pain in order for us to hear its truth. Perhaps you are not as ignorant and slow as I am :). Blessings. Plato

      • thank you for your comment, it is painful waking up and once you know there is something to know you can’t go back to not knowing, forward is the only way to go! and it is not easy at times, but you are right, maybe it is precisely the pain that spurs us on…. It is a long journey and I am tired but… my love and light to you my friend and again, thank you. 🙂

  6. Totally honest from the heart and soul, those feelings have been within me. No apologies necessary it is what you felt, better said – damage done when not expressed we just bottle it up and put on a mask. Thank you for your honesty.

  9. There are no words to adequately express what that makes me feel… <3 If you are teaching me one important lesson as I watch you and learn from your words, it is how to be honest with myself, and maybe, just maybe, with others. Silly boy, you are pretty amazing. {{{Plato}}}

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