The Outside called.
Anxious nauseous anger
Weakness, vitality drains
Like open vein
How should I answer
Scenarios played out in my head
If this, then that, then this, then that
Same old round and round
Seeking answer, resolution, victory
Weaker with each turn of the wheel
Same old round and round
Turning inside I asked Her
I’ve never done that before
She answered, why would you again give away what belongs to me
The answer is not out there, it is here between us
The Outside called.
I didn’t answer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I feel exactly as you described right now at this moment in time. I am trying to stop it, the round and round…
Apologies for not ‘calling’ as often as I might wish.
But when you do it is like Christmas here.
You know, maybe after you get your paperwork caught up you can slip away each day for an hour lunch with Her. Seems like your conversations together have not been as many as of late? Your outside is calling way too much. Maybe you need an answering machine that says, “I’ll get back to you when and if I find my bloody phone!” (Yeah, I know it’s not that simple with your job.)
Good idea 🙂
Too bad I don’t live closer. I was an AWESOME paper shuffler! I’d have you organized in no time! 😉
I bet you would. 🙂 I have had to redo my whole system that had been in place for fifteen years.
Why redo it?
Changes in child wefare and medicaid and alabama is broke. Its mostly poor rural folks
I bet you would. 🙂 I have had to redo my whole system that had been in place for fifteen years.
Wow! This is like Portia Nelson’s Autobiography in five short chapters: https://www.uic.edu/orgs/convening/resistan.htm
On doing the same thing again and again but then slowly changing….
I have a version too… will go dig it out. Thank you, lovely!
Yep. God forbid PEOPLE should change, ’cause then everyone else’s world has to adjust after the tremors. It’s really the same as families of alcoholics, how they may have a difficult time when the substance abuser gets sober because it really affects THEIR lives as well, what has become “normal” to them.
I asked Bran the other day what’s going to happen when we take too much oil out of the earth and leave all those empty chambers. Will it fall in on itself, become lopsided and warp out of its orbit? Sometimes I think that’s what WE do when people have taken too much out of us emotionally, or mentally, physically, or even spiritually for that matter.
Well I really get that. When I finally starting verbalizing what I wanted in my life — I’d waited for 15 years while HL went to college part time to get his degree — it made all kinds of waves in my family. They just weren’t used to my wanting or needing time to myself. They still wanted me to just tend to them hand and foot. And the kids were in their 20’s by then. That’s what my comment about fracking was about on my One Seeker’s Journey page.
It’s hard trying to be yourself, trying to figure out just who the heck that is! Yes, it’s like coming out.
Does fracking send fissues throughout what was once the bedrock or at least the foundations upon which others lives are built?
The truth is something in me broke a while back. The changes in me happened but not because I was wise or good. I am discovering that the only option I have is to listen. I am still so stupid when it comes to this. But it is all I know right now.
Just answer me this. What do you do when you’ve had the same conversation with your soul over and over and over again and you never make any progress in changing the path you’re going down? What makes you prone to listen to her?
I want to be alive before I die. But the same old round and round was a distraction and an excuse. It has nothing to do with the people in my life or even my family. It has to do with my own soul and what I want and the excuses I make for not pursuing or at least finding out what it is.
Its like, i think, coming out of the closet except I’m not gay:)
Well all things considered, I’d say that was quite an accomplishment. Did it give you a sense of empowerment?
It was sad and scary but it was the truth. I did not shame myself or Her. If I believe anything I write I had to listen to Her. Walking the same pathways round and round has not helped. Just made me clever. 🙂 Pretty much all new stuff I write these days happened that day. It was a literal conversation with my soul. One of those weird things like singing the song to yourself. I do so appreciate you checking in on me. I am Paul in my own way. You are still doing miracles