Silence – Seething – Stillness
Ashes – Grey and black fill the throat, choking off life.
Only barren, sterile, ache fills the chest.
The exquisite has abandoned me somewhere between pleasure and pain.
Now only numb, dull, persistent ache.
It is dumb, with no voice, no purpose.
Pain with no purpose is a cruel thing.
Exposed as foolish sears the flesh. It dries and clings to the bone.
Even the victims triumph over me. Yet even in all their droning they do not comprehend the wave that crashed over me. They are right, but only about themselves.
They articulate their pain and their pain demands justice, rightly so. But I am impotent. I have no healing to give. Only ashes.
Tears now, condensed like jelly. They fill the throat. They amass themselves behind the eyes, unable to exit the body. It burns and steals life from me.
Eyes once filled with joy now lifeless.
Bitterness permeates life. Not bitterness at life but the bitterness of life.
Nothing is sweet. Joy has abandoned me.
All good seems foul to me, or perhaps it is I who fouls the good.
Laughter of friends and family and loves long-held are no comfort. I cannot cling to them.
I recoil into the ashes. . . Into the silence.
I know not why.
Except perhaps there I have a voice.
A voice of mourning and terrible grief.
Oh… I feel like this one is so close to the surface. To me it seems it’s the closest you’ve gotten to shouting it all out loud. It’s very raw. I’m thinking of you tonight. Hope you had a good time with your kiddo.
Existential questions all around. College is so hard :). He is so talented. His questions are about what do wise talented people do. He is seeking his own path among older friends. Afraid to accept advice for fear that it may silence his own. I love him very much.
“Numb, dull, persistent ache.” I know this feeling all too well
“Pain with no purpose is a cruel thing” it is very cruel… I still can’t see the reason for it or maybe I don’t want to know anymore… It killed something in me and I’m not sure it was worth the grief… It’s hard to be excited about anything. The sadness lingers on even in joyful moments… I am constantly grieving. I don’t even know why or what I’m grieving anymore. Just want to get away from everything… Death is not even feared anymore. I’m too at home with it. That scares me… I’m too at peace with it. It’s freeing but also dangerous.
That’s why I understood about the aunts. We shall live and throw it back in the face of sadness ine day