I am not accustomed to seeing myself
Looking at that photo, appraising it with no reference except itself
Shyness arose and I averted my eyes
But curiosity sent my gaze back again
Who was that looking back at me
There under the flesh of my fathers
Hint of recognition
Something in the eye seemed familiar
Confused, I wondered how he could have come to wear that dressing
I have been here the whole time and had not noticed the change
If indeed that was him, where had he been
Why is he only now looking into my eyes
It startled me, a jolt of “Is that really you?”
Is it?
The eyes looked back at me unwavering
Then I saw him
There beneath the effects of all those years
I smiled a toothy grin of welcome and of coming home
He asked “Are you ready now?”
I said “Let’s go!”
Well, I only ever had “important” discussion with him about TV tubes, resistors (sp?), customer contracts, etc. Had to get on him now and then about making sure he turned all his customer service tickets in. Oh, and about adoption.
Just spent an hour dividing up meat and putting it up in the freezer. SO much fun. NOT! Made a trip to CostCo yesterday to stock the fridge back up. One thing’s for sure. Not going to run out of toity paper any time soon. Oh, no, I didn’t put THAT up in the freezer. Hm… Does tp freeze, do you figure? LOL (Sorry. Just trying to keep it light since you had a busy day.)
You have a kind face, btw. You remind me a lot of one of the techs I used to work with at RCA. He was a Viet Nam and had seen all sorts of awful things. But he was very kind and Zen in a way. He and his wife were part of the reason we finally thought of adoption. I quit that job (which I adored!) when I had Bran as we knew there’d be no more babies. Dave now owns an import car repair/sell shop not far from us. Every now and then I stop in out of the blue to say high. We always say to each other, “You know, you still look the same as you did all those years ago!” LOL We’re both very good liars!
Sometimes seeing the ugly of the world makes the need for kindness and beauty a desperate one. I think its not about being good but if you carry a lot of hurt deep down you can’t bear anymore of any kind anywhere.
That’s probably why Dave is so laid back…
Probably is still not somebody to mess with about important things
Hm… Don’t know about all that. Yeah, it was hurtful. But then again it wasn’t the first time she and I had been down that road. Which was part of my issue because I was tired of playing reconciler (word?) I play that far too often in my life. Besides, you know how it is. When you open yourself up to caring about someone, there’s always the possibility you’re going to get hurt. That little comment I left on one of your posts about loving yourself/forgiving yourself? That actually came from the wedding ceremony our old pastor used to do. Right at the end of the ceremony she’d tell the bride and groom: Love each other for who you are; forgive each other for who you are not. After 43 years of marriage I think that’s terrific advice (even when we’re getting to know ourselves).
Thoughtful pastor.
She wanted you to be the good momma. Im sorry that must have been very hurtful
She became her momma.
She’s had a hard life. Was in and out of churches for years. Had been raised LDS, became Lutheran, tried out Catholicism. She was just starting to find her way back to some balance, had taken the job as organist and treasurer at the church we attend. She was getting to know people and feeling really at home. But there was pretty bad chemistry between her and the church secretary. A lot of stuff went on between them and the sh*t really hit the fan. Jane didn’t show up to play for Good Friday service, and that was it. The church fired her.
I suppose she blames God for it, but mostly it happened because of her aggressive personality. We got along for a lot of years. She wasn’t like that when we were in college. Her first marriage really changed her. But I’m not aggressive, nor am I passive for the most part. I do, however, have a lot of patience. It helped with Jane. But she’d get mad over the least little thing and hang up on me now and then. I wouldn’t hear from her for months until I called and initiated a conversation again. Which is what I did this time, too. But finally I just had enough, I think.
But her behavior at work had been bad and she knew it. She’s not, however, a person who can apologize. It wasn’t all about the whole God thing, though. She was an abusive boss period. When she’d get frustrated because the main office was on her back about something, she’d take it out on those who worked in the office. She reamed me a new one in front of some clients one day. That was the first time I talked to her.
I am deeply honored to be your friend. I feel like our souls may be old together, if that makes ANY sense whatsoever.
And yes, I love the picture. I loved it even when I said it looked like a pirate. Smile. You just need an earring in that ear. Hm… Or it might be Zorro. It has that look about it, too.
We know each other I think. So if you see anything weird or misspellings or something that dont make sense tell me if you are willing. I would rather things be right that to look stupid. It is so funny to me to watch myself put this stuff out there. Im still a little shy boy in so many ways
Oh heck… Don’t worry about misspellings. I haven’t read a blog on here yet that doesn’t have misspelled words in it. If that was a rule I’d be blackballed by now. Just don’t post anything without proof reading it twice. Once forward, once backward. Someone told me that once. It works pretty well. I catch most of mine that way.
Did you ever make up with your buddy at the tax place
Make up? No, not really. I called twice and left messages. She never responded. Then I called once to tell her a mutual friend had just found out he had cancer. We’ve been in the same company a couple times, but there’s very little communication. She’s part of the group of seven of us who have been together forever, helped raise each others’ kids, went to church together, got in trouble together (grin).
But she decided suddenly God is a bunch of hooey and is very ignorant and offensive to anyone who feels otherwise. There were a lot of nasty comments going on in the office. The other tax pro was an atheist. It was very uncomfortable for me at times and she knew that. I’d talked to her about it. I guess it was that most of all that hurt. Just felt really betrayed. Especially since she knows I’m going through my own God-struggles right now.
What made her so bitter. Saying you dont believe in god is just anger. If she didnt she would not be so mad at him. Hard to be mad at something you dont believe in
“There under the flesh of my fathers” Wow… Brings the word “tribe” to mind. I love your poem, how you’re so eager to get to know yourself again after all this time. Are you prepared for the changes you’ll find as the “two of you” (or four or six of you if you’re lucky — you seem very multifaceted) get to know each other as you are now? It’s going to be an awesome experience, dude. Rock on!
I would love to reblog this. Is there not a way on your host site to put a reblog button on here? This poem is an exercise in moving forward. I’ll want to prop it up on my cave wall somehow. Would you mind if I just reposted it and left the link to your blog?
I think of you as my friend. You do whatever you would like. No need to ask any more. But you do need to tell me if my picture is goofy or creepy or if it is ok. I really dont know. It wont hurt my feelings. It was the picture i was looking at though.
Yes I need to get to know all the voices in my head 🙂
Yeah, they’re a pain in the arse! One of mine is a damn insomniac. I just wish she’d get her days and nights turned around. I wrote about her once… But you’ll get used to their fussing with each other all the time. LOL
Thats why god made wine i think
I thought your poem was very nice. Self-acceptance is very healing and encouraging.
I got old 🙂